I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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