I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
