Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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