Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
