you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
