if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
being pregnant is like rehab
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize