I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
