I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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