I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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