I wish life had little blips of pornography
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
