Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
