he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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