Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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