Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i need some magic done to my vagina
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
