I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
