You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize