I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
