No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize