I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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