How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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