You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
did you just send me my own nude
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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