I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
