I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
