i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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