i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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