I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
