I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
