So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
