he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize