My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
