It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
