anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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