I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize