There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
