hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
