my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
3 2 1 whiskey
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
