having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize