The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
