I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
