Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
