my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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