I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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