Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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