Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
