i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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