i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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