On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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