I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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