I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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