Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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