May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize