you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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