Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I smell like Dick and happiness
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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