is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
