Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
