I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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