i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
