My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
