I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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