I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize