thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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