Need sex. Gaining weight.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
