Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
