Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize