I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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