if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
that is very illegal...i love you.
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