Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
