its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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