things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
